Bye Bye 2011

Hello fictionary fruits.
I haven't been updating my diary for quite a while now, even though a lot of twisting events have occurred during the time ,  I just didn't really feel like posting  ... or maybe just didn't have time . but yeah, I am still alive and breathing if it matters .
saddened by my life's events, I still struggle with my own mind ... my shyness, social anxiety, the things that won't f-ing change about my life ...... ex: it's new year's eve again, and exactly like the past 10 years or so, we "celebrate" at home watching the world around us celebrating .... today I brought all the dessert and my sister brought pizza . I'm tearing up right now .... because frankly I feel NOTHING IS CHANGING .... I'm growing older, my youth is withering I'm almost 20!!  ..... and my life still is the SAME.
only bad events keep happening for a change.
I wanted us to celebrate outdoors .... but it's like I'm asking for a miracle to happen  !!!! I feel frustrated in this house .... I feel .... bad .. bad .... bad .....
anyway, 2011 was a rocky ride I would say, not just for me, but for the entire world , from Japan's disastrous earth quake, Bin Laden's death, to the revolutions and so on ...
despite me looking forward for the upcoming year my hope is very weak for 2012 , for 2011's start was not the best. ... now lets see, what have I learned/gained from 2011 ?
almost NOTHING IMPORTANT . only bad events and same old everything else.
No driver's license, bad college, no real friend, social anxiety, self hatred, no sleep, a LOT of coffee, wasting time online, depression and a lot of studying =(
I REALLY look forward to changing all those things because I'm starting to get really tired, this is my new year's resolution . but lets hope we make it to 2012 first jk jk .....
may Allah protect us from harm this year, may we all live happily in peace with love and harmony.
Bless you all, xoxox

Dear God , life , diary , fruits ....
I think I've come to a conclusion regarding if whether or not LIFE Sucks .
NO , life does NOT SUCK . it is the PEOPLE around us that suck .
remember to keep that in mind , especially before trying to blame life for everything .

My Paper Time Machine !

I was just about to study for my math exam , so I was searching for some of my older papers to review .

I found an unrelated  paper I wrote two years ago  , which I seemed to have thrown in there by accident .

I love keeping track of memories , so that they'd be alive again just by reading them .... but after reading it NOW , I found it little weird in an inscrutable way ... but I encourage everyone to start their own " paper time machines " at least just once , and a huge grin will be guaranteed , but remember to leave the space of years through before going back and reading what you've written .gotta go study now 

here is my scan of the paper , with a little edit (forgive my English mistakes) :

My Nostalgic Remains

Dear God .....dear diary , after spending over 3 hours going through my old childhood photos , I've come to conclude my realisation of how much I think my life doesn't make sense anymore ... not that my childhood/toddler years made much sense either , but I remember back at that time , I was the happiest I've ever been , for to a child , happiness can be just a toy away , life was indeed bright and sunny , most of the times I'de be running around in our little garden , singing , dancing , chasing after cats , exploring bugs and kissing them ! my older siblings would play evil pranks on me all the time , like making me eat a hot chili pepper claiming that it wasn't spicy , burying a beetle and making me dig for the surprise , my mother being full of life ... etc . where'd all that disappear ???
the happiness , I mean .
the moment I go back in time through those memories I get extremely nostalgic and overwhelmed for they trigger the most vulnerable part of my sentimentality ,
I deeply studied the photos I kept , and there was this one which really touched me with that look on my innocent happy face for I had just received a doll gift that made me feel on top of the world , that brought deep tears to my eyes ,
how did I go from that , to where I am today !? and how did my once upon a time happy family fall apart ?
seeing how innocent and gullible I was , I felt nothing but extremely SORRY for that poor baby , who had to be tortured , be stepped on and mistreated .
drowning in my tears , I felt sorry , sorry and even more sorry .

I'm sorry that the innocent , unwritten white pages of my life had to turn into a dark , nasty doodle
I feel sorry for myself , for being weak , hopeless , self destructive and suicidal , I never intended to harm myself in the first place
and I wish I never had to smoke those cigarettes , which I believe have polluted my God given clean lungs
I feel sorry for the times I looked in the mirror and felt shame , disgust about myself , calling myself the worst names ever . I feel sorry for not appreciating the healthy face and body that God has given me , I feel sorry that I feel like a waste of a human being , I feel sorry for not meeting a true human to call a friend yet ... and I feel sorry for those who don't give me a chance to be the best friend ever
and what I feel sorry most for is .... continuing to feel this way .


with a blink of an eye we are in a different place in this world yet in the same tough situations , the wind appears to have blown us away too far , but far to where there is nowhere else to be and nothing else to do ...
climbing the stairs of age , and I have reached 19 years in this world so far , much of what I tasted was poison , that didn't kill me yet , but is slowly weakening me
now and the current moment , life to me keeps bleeding , as if it's nothing but a painful discharge .
and with each passing day the will of my being is eroded by the same waves which took most of what hope I had left , away .
though time is still on the passing , my life continues to freeze , I am crippled by the unfortunate events that keep reappearing .
for all the good has changed to be bad , and all the bad remains to accumulate to form a mountain of doom ,
God is my only strength , but I feel like I'm out of reasons to live ....

An update on my Emotional Status

suffering of the following symptoms :   deep hurt , frustration , anguish , distress , nausea , confusion, numbness , extreme melancholy , misery , desperation and depression .
believe me , I don't like the fact that all I'm going through sounds exaggerated and because I am by nature a perfectionist who makes a fuss about almost everything , that just ranks me to a worse category ,
with each day I continue struggling from my parents mistakes , their divorce and ongoing troubles that make my situation harder and harder to deal with .
my bad college choice , one which I took as a "stand by" to go to another one and seem to be stuck in , I have a better idea , the idea of studying what I WANT abroad . ----> yeah like that'll happen .
I go to college every day with this heavy burden on my chest  , having to deal with unwelcoming , over demanding college doctors .God !! Did I mention how much I HATE that college ??
imprisoned in my house for years and years , barely going out except for school or college . ----> because my father decided that we simply CAN'T  .
I'm 19 , and don't have my driver's license yet . ----> father too lazy to do that .
developed under those circumstances to be a lonely " moon child" , loneliness of the night is my best friend .
people ALWAYS look at me like I'm a celebrity or some kind of an alien because I actually look foreign and just a little too white to be from my own country  . ----> well , I'm an Arab half European , what do you expect !!! and no , I don't live in America .
this may not always come as a miss fortune , attention doesn't bother me much , other that the fact that I suffer from anxiety and social phobia , so that just adds a little more tension .
being verbally and physically abused also resulted my weakness , shyness and fear of talking to strangers .
stuck in my bad luck and hence , I begin to fall apart , just shoot me already !! (not literally )

these are just a few things that makes my life a living hell . I know that there are far worse things going on in this world , other than my own self related issues and complaints  , and thinking about that occasionally helps relief my ongoing distress .

Allah Kareem .

My unfilled blank and back to my nightmare of a college life .

So I graduated from high school with pretty good grades , I was very satisfied with the amount of effort I put in to get those grades
my father's first reaction : " your grades are not so good , you should have done better " .
how so very encouraging and emotionally uplifting father ! I f-ing graduated from high school with v.good grades .

he drew his own picture of how my life should be , regardless of what I thought .
a father who never cared one bit about my life , now comes to make future decisions for me !!

he wanted me to either be a doctor or an engineer , and he knew full well that those two choices for me were out of the question . unlike him , money was never and will never be my interest in life , I know haven't found myself yet , as I dreamed of becoming many of different things like a teacher (when I was younger) , an artist , a marine biologist  a journalist and a graphic designer . my goal was  to pour my heart and soul to a career I liked as a hobby ,  money has never mattered to me as much of me liking what I do , serving humanity with a pleasure is an enlightening way to live and be , instead of serving humanity for just financial goals and human greed .

I felt like a prisoner of my own wishes , I couldn't be any of what I wanted to be , because  all the colleges I had to attend in order for me to be in that particular section were either unavailable as in there weren't even enough doctors that worked there , also the colleges were known to be pretty lame , I've been acussed by friends and family members of being "insane" for thinking about choosing a career I liked for what it was , and not for what it paid .

this was one of the most ugliest times in my life , a time where I felt nothing but suicidal . for all was against me , and I was alone . nothing mattered to me anymore , I ended up in a state where I felt numb and just didn't care anymore about anything , not even my life ... what ever happened happened there was no stoping it .

and unfortunately I ended up in the college of business administration , a place I never  imagined my self in and fully hated , I feel like it's a curse
as I am not one bit interested in any of the college's fields and sections .
it's my seconde year at college and so far ... I'm not liking it ,  I feel like this is torture ... me attending a college I don't like which will be based on a false future of which I haven't planned
it is all one big mistake and it aches me to my soul .

what am I to do ?? where do I go from here ?? I feel lost in a world where I don't belong , I cried and cried and still cry , with this heavy burden in my chest questioning  myself on and on , but life never gives a straight answer . and I still  wait whilst being lost ... just another blank to be filled .

" The whole secret of a seccessful life is to find out what is one's destiny to do and then do it " Henry Ford

" Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life  " Confucius

Redirecting myself for God's sake .

Dear sincere fruits , if you shall exist to read this blog and if you shall care enough about it (which I highley doubt)  .then I fruitfully apologize for not being all up to date , I've been away from my blog/diary for almost a month now , and that is because I've been busy in this holy month of Ramadan , as it is a special time for us muslims to direct all our actions  for Allah all mighty . not that we don't do that already  , but because this month is a gift from God to us , and we all want to get the best of it .so no time to do anything else really .
we have nearly reached the end of the month now and then it's back to school/work/ college time .

yeah .... not much to add .

" the Arrivals " people !

I think I may have made the world's greatest Internet discovery .....
I'm not exaggerating ... well ... maybe just a bit , since I'm not the only one who discovered this ,
I'm sure many of you have seen this already , and some of you have not  ,
but let me tell you this , I've lived 19 years in this world so far , and never have I opened my eyes so wide before , I've never learned so much in my in tire life
like I did when watching the series of the "Arrivals" , I've been so addicted and attached to it from the moment I saw part 1 ..... and I spent the next 6 or 7  days making my way up to the last part
which was 51 !! ..... whether you agree with it or not , you WILL open your eyes , and see the world from a different angle ,
I feel so happy that I watched it , nobody had recommended it to me , I found it by myself with a little search here and there ... and now I recommend it to you world "The arrivals" watch it on YouTube

don't miss it !!

I picked a random part for you guys to see ..

why am I making a big deal out of this ?

and here I am , officially 19 , am I supposed to feel more grown up ??? because I don't  ,

I'll always be a child at heart , and that is what I know for certain .

sad but .., to me ... this is how being 18 felt like

I think I've summed up my feelings of how I feel/felt as an 18 year old .

Innocence is dead ....
ugly thoughts raping me in bed , I fall as an easy victim for the predator I'm disgusted with my head ....
my youth flashing right before me , but I'm a cripple instead ....
I kick the thought out of my head , I scream , I cry , I beg .... 
but silence is the only feedback I get ....
the years are on the passing , while I'm still frozen in time  , it is big a crime ....
my potentials are waiting eternally to be fled , the thoughts of madness are growing fatter as they are being  fully fed  ....
welcome to my disgusting life stranger guest , this is the one life I was forced to digest ....
a slow way to die , a perfect poison for a healthy brain
this is my life , this is my pain .


at the moment , reading this makes me feel sick to my stomach .
but tomorrow hopefully this will just be a wound from the past , an awefully sad memory .

Within 5 days .... I'm turning 19 ! OMG

Hello world !
I know it has been a while since I last blogged , not like any of you would care much .... or be interested but
this is my diary anyway .... so , on the 22nd of July which is in 5 days from now I'm going to turn 19 ...!!!!
I've never felt so scared of growing up before , but 19 just "has" to be the real deal . my life .... the last chapter of me being a "teen" since it's nine"teen" , or as a young adult ..
I don't know ... but I think I have  what they call "Gerontophobia" ... or simply a phobia of growing up ...
but the real reason I'm suffering of that is .... I have achieved nothing in the past eighteen years of my existence and it is painful because I haven't been given the opportunity I deserve , the way I see it , I have great potentials to at least live life and just "be" me ....but problems just had to come and take over my life , especially when a person is living in an unstable house hold/family who are unfortunately unsupportive .

 and I will be honest I'm not looking forward to being 19 ! , by twenty though I think I might kill myself for fear of growing up ... when these numbers  get bigger , fear grows stronger .....
so I'm spilling out my birthday wish/es this year , I know a person should keep these things to themselves in order for them to be fulfilled ... but that just might be superstition , because none of my wishes ever came true , in fact maybe announcing them is the real way to fulfill your wishes and for them to happen . and like I said , I'm sure most of the world is not reading this , but here goes : for this year I wish I :

" I wish I could find the lost identity which I've been on the search for  my entire life , I wish I could really prove myself to the world , I wish to love myself more and be happy with who I am , I wish to find a person I could really rely on and trust , a true friend I would walk with in this road of life "

I know I've exceeded the limit of "wishing" .. but whatever ! had to get it all out of my chest .

I know this might be retarded but " Happy Birthday Josephine " .... the 18 year old you will always be inside of you ... and she will always miss you . there ... now I feel more comfortable knowing that .

I feel ya kitty xoxo

Women's world war issue = Beauty !! yes , we are fighters when it comes to looking our best !

The definition of beauty for the female gender(at least for the huge part) = perfection and nothing less
and I'm not on the verge of giving up !

Beauty may be a sensitive topic/issue to those who are self-conscious about the way they look
as it is the desire of every girl to be beautiful ,  but what if we lacked beauty ?? .... is there even such thing ? , because last I heard it was the beholder's eye who decided !
at one point , we all stared at the mirror for hours questioning ourselves " I am beautiful ? " or " God why am I ugly " and so on ...
the result is we become desperate to look beautiful , and when we achieve our goal  , we become obsessed because  we suffered or had a self-esteem issue related to beauty
therefore leading to the " wanting to look perfect " issue , it is when we are not sure of how exactly beautiful we are , and so we go further and further

this is why us daughters of Eve strive to have it all , perfect face , hair , body ..etc
we are obsessed with perfection !! ... is it bad though .. ?
speaking of myself as a female  I'm not afraid to admit that I am obsessed as it is one of my top feminine must " be " sadly
although a lot of us would deny it " I'm in no way beauty-obsessed ..  I just want a perfect face , smile , body , hair , Oh and a smaller nose .. that's all "  and denial is worse
YES , most of us realize that beauty is skin deep ... and despite our knowing of that fact ,to us it still isn't a stop sign for achieving thee perfect look !!
and the thought floats at the top of our heads " If only I looked Pretty ( aka Perfect) I know I would go far and I would make my dreams (in a away) come true "
not all of us think alike...but  how many of us doesn't feel this way ?

now  meet your worst competitors , that are just too beautiful (according to me at least):

 

Shakira

Frances Bean Cobain

Kathleen Robertson

Tiffani Thiessen

Jessica Stam



Elisha Cuthbert

A welcome from the core of the fruit !

what does Blog even mean ? I have no idea .... !
I merely created this page to share my thoughts , ideas and philosophies of what we call " life " ,
the details we skip , the times we fast forward without value , the important issues going on around us , our desperate seeking of happiness , the reaching to our farthest dreams , to the simplest wishes of just being who we are without  boundaries or restrictions . along the way , much more may be expected ... that depends on what else my mind has to offer .. ,  this is my shared diary to the world
everything will come from the depth of my core and deepest bottom of my soul .
enjoy and feel free to post your opinions



- The helpless Fruit Of God