Within 5 days .... I'm turning 19 ! OMG

Hello world !
I know it has been a while since I last blogged , not like any of you would care much .... or be interested but
this is my diary anyway .... so , on the 22nd of July which is in 5 days from now I'm going to turn 19 ...!!!!
I've never felt so scared of growing up before , but 19 just "has" to be the real deal . my life .... the last chapter of me being a "teen" since it's nine"teen" , or as a young adult ..
I don't know ... but I think I have  what they call "Gerontophobia" ... or simply a phobia of growing up ...
but the real reason I'm suffering of that is .... I have achieved nothing in the past eighteen years of my existence and it is painful because I haven't been given the opportunity I deserve , the way I see it , I have great potentials to at least live life and just "be" me ....but problems just had to come and take over my life , especially when a person is living in an unstable house hold/family who are unfortunately unsupportive .

 and I will be honest I'm not looking forward to being 19 ! , by twenty though I think I might kill myself for fear of growing up ... when these numbers  get bigger , fear grows stronger .....
so I'm spilling out my birthday wish/es this year , I know a person should keep these things to themselves in order for them to be fulfilled ... but that just might be superstition , because none of my wishes ever came true , in fact maybe announcing them is the real way to fulfill your wishes and for them to happen . and like I said , I'm sure most of the world is not reading this , but here goes : for this year I wish I :

" I wish I could find the lost identity which I've been on the search for  my entire life , I wish I could really prove myself to the world , I wish to love myself more and be happy with who I am , I wish to find a person I could really rely on and trust , a true friend I would walk with in this road of life "

I know I've exceeded the limit of "wishing" .. but whatever ! had to get it all out of my chest .

I know this might be retarded but " Happy Birthday Josephine " .... the 18 year old you will always be inside of you ... and she will always miss you . there ... now I feel more comfortable knowing that .

I feel ya kitty xoxo