Dear God .....dear diary , after spending over 3 hours going through my old childhood photos , I've come to conclude my realisation of how much I think my life doesn't make sense anymore ... not that my childhood/toddler years made much sense either , but I remember back at that time , I was the happiest I've ever been , for to a child , happiness can be just a toy away , life was indeed bright and sunny , most of the times I'de be running around in our little garden , singing , dancing , chasing after cats , exploring bugs and kissing them ! my older siblings would play evil pranks on me all the time , like making me eat a hot chili pepper claiming that it wasn't spicy , burying a beetle and making me dig for the surprise , my mother being full of life ... etc . where'd all that disappear ???
the happiness , I mean .
the moment I go back in time through those memories I get extremely nostalgic and overwhelmed for they trigger the most vulnerable part of my sentimentality ,
I deeply studied the photos I kept , and there was this one which really touched me with that look on my innocent happy face for I had just received a doll gift that made me feel on top of the world , that brought deep tears to my eyes ,
how did I go from that , to where I am today !? and how did my once upon a time happy family fall apart ?
seeing how innocent and gullible I was , I felt nothing but extremely SORRY for that poor baby , who had to be tortured , be stepped on and mistreated .
drowning in my tears , I felt sorry , sorry and even more sorry .
I'm sorry that the innocent , unwritten white pages of my life had to turn into a dark , nasty doodle
I feel sorry for myself , for being weak , hopeless , self destructive and suicidal , I never intended to harm myself in the first place
and I wish I never had to smoke those cigarettes , which I believe have polluted my God given clean lungs
I feel sorry for the times I looked in the mirror and felt shame , disgust about myself , calling myself the worst names ever . I feel sorry for not appreciating the healthy face and body that God has given me , I feel sorry that I feel like a waste of a human being , I feel sorry for not meeting a true human to call a friend yet ... and I feel sorry for those who don't give me a chance to be the best friend ever
and what I feel sorry most for is .... continuing to feel this way .
with a blink of an eye we are in a different place in this world yet in the same tough situations , the wind appears to have blown us away too far , but far to where there is nowhere else to be and nothing else to do ...
climbing the stairs of age , and I have reached 19 years in this world so far , much of what I tasted was poison , that didn't kill me yet , but is slowly weakening me
now and the current moment , life to me keeps bleeding , as if it's nothing but a painful discharge .
and with each passing day the will of my being is eroded by the same waves which took most of what hope I had left , away .
though time is still on the passing , my life continues to freeze , I am crippled by the unfortunate events that keep reappearing .
for all the good has changed to be bad , and all the bad remains to accumulate to form a mountain of doom ,
God is my only strength , but I feel like I'm out of reasons to live ....
the happiness , I mean .
the moment I go back in time through those memories I get extremely nostalgic and overwhelmed for they trigger the most vulnerable part of my sentimentality ,
I deeply studied the photos I kept , and there was this one which really touched me with that look on my innocent happy face for I had just received a doll gift that made me feel on top of the world , that brought deep tears to my eyes ,
how did I go from that , to where I am today !? and how did my once upon a time happy family fall apart ?
seeing how innocent and gullible I was , I felt nothing but extremely SORRY for that poor baby , who had to be tortured , be stepped on and mistreated .
drowning in my tears , I felt sorry , sorry and even more sorry .
I'm sorry that the innocent , unwritten white pages of my life had to turn into a dark , nasty doodle
I feel sorry for myself , for being weak , hopeless , self destructive and suicidal , I never intended to harm myself in the first place
and I wish I never had to smoke those cigarettes , which I believe have polluted my God given clean lungs
I feel sorry for the times I looked in the mirror and felt shame , disgust about myself , calling myself the worst names ever . I feel sorry for not appreciating the healthy face and body that God has given me , I feel sorry that I feel like a waste of a human being , I feel sorry for not meeting a true human to call a friend yet ... and I feel sorry for those who don't give me a chance to be the best friend ever
and what I feel sorry most for is .... continuing to feel this way .
with a blink of an eye we are in a different place in this world yet in the same tough situations , the wind appears to have blown us away too far , but far to where there is nowhere else to be and nothing else to do ...
climbing the stairs of age , and I have reached 19 years in this world so far , much of what I tasted was poison , that didn't kill me yet , but is slowly weakening me
now and the current moment , life to me keeps bleeding , as if it's nothing but a painful discharge .
and with each passing day the will of my being is eroded by the same waves which took most of what hope I had left , away .
though time is still on the passing , my life continues to freeze , I am crippled by the unfortunate events that keep reappearing .
for all the good has changed to be bad , and all the bad remains to accumulate to form a mountain of doom ,
God is my only strength , but I feel like I'm out of reasons to live ....
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