My Paper Time Machine !

I was just about to study for my math exam , so I was searching for some of my older papers to review .

I found an unrelated  paper I wrote two years ago  , which I seemed to have thrown in there by accident .

I love keeping track of memories , so that they'd be alive again just by reading them .... but after reading it NOW , I found it little weird in an inscrutable way ... but I encourage everyone to start their own " paper time machines " at least just once , and a huge grin will be guaranteed , but remember to leave the space of years through before going back and reading what you've written .gotta go study now 

here is my scan of the paper , with a little edit (forgive my English mistakes) :

My Nostalgic Remains

Dear God .....dear diary , after spending over 3 hours going through my old childhood photos , I've come to conclude my realisation of how much I think my life doesn't make sense anymore ... not that my childhood/toddler years made much sense either , but I remember back at that time , I was the happiest I've ever been , for to a child , happiness can be just a toy away , life was indeed bright and sunny , most of the times I'de be running around in our little garden , singing , dancing , chasing after cats , exploring bugs and kissing them ! my older siblings would play evil pranks on me all the time , like making me eat a hot chili pepper claiming that it wasn't spicy , burying a beetle and making me dig for the surprise , my mother being full of life ... etc . where'd all that disappear ???
the happiness , I mean .
the moment I go back in time through those memories I get extremely nostalgic and overwhelmed for they trigger the most vulnerable part of my sentimentality ,
I deeply studied the photos I kept , and there was this one which really touched me with that look on my innocent happy face for I had just received a doll gift that made me feel on top of the world , that brought deep tears to my eyes ,
how did I go from that , to where I am today !? and how did my once upon a time happy family fall apart ?
seeing how innocent and gullible I was , I felt nothing but extremely SORRY for that poor baby , who had to be tortured , be stepped on and mistreated .
drowning in my tears , I felt sorry , sorry and even more sorry .

I'm sorry that the innocent , unwritten white pages of my life had to turn into a dark , nasty doodle
I feel sorry for myself , for being weak , hopeless , self destructive and suicidal , I never intended to harm myself in the first place
and I wish I never had to smoke those cigarettes , which I believe have polluted my God given clean lungs
I feel sorry for the times I looked in the mirror and felt shame , disgust about myself , calling myself the worst names ever . I feel sorry for not appreciating the healthy face and body that God has given me , I feel sorry that I feel like a waste of a human being , I feel sorry for not meeting a true human to call a friend yet ... and I feel sorry for those who don't give me a chance to be the best friend ever
and what I feel sorry most for is .... continuing to feel this way .


with a blink of an eye we are in a different place in this world yet in the same tough situations , the wind appears to have blown us away too far , but far to where there is nowhere else to be and nothing else to do ...
climbing the stairs of age , and I have reached 19 years in this world so far , much of what I tasted was poison , that didn't kill me yet , but is slowly weakening me
now and the current moment , life to me keeps bleeding , as if it's nothing but a painful discharge .
and with each passing day the will of my being is eroded by the same waves which took most of what hope I had left , away .
though time is still on the passing , my life continues to freeze , I am crippled by the unfortunate events that keep reappearing .
for all the good has changed to be bad , and all the bad remains to accumulate to form a mountain of doom ,
God is my only strength , but I feel like I'm out of reasons to live ....

An update on my Emotional Status

suffering of the following symptoms :   deep hurt , frustration , anguish , distress , nausea , confusion, numbness , extreme melancholy , misery , desperation and depression .
believe me , I don't like the fact that all I'm going through sounds exaggerated and because I am by nature a perfectionist who makes a fuss about almost everything , that just ranks me to a worse category ,
with each day I continue struggling from my parents mistakes , their divorce and ongoing troubles that make my situation harder and harder to deal with .
my bad college choice , one which I took as a "stand by" to go to another one and seem to be stuck in , I have a better idea , the idea of studying what I WANT abroad . ----> yeah like that'll happen .
I go to college every day with this heavy burden on my chest  , having to deal with unwelcoming , over demanding college doctors .God !! Did I mention how much I HATE that college ??
imprisoned in my house for years and years , barely going out except for school or college . ----> because my father decided that we simply CAN'T  .
I'm 19 , and don't have my driver's license yet . ----> father too lazy to do that .
developed under those circumstances to be a lonely " moon child" , loneliness of the night is my best friend .
people ALWAYS look at me like I'm a celebrity or some kind of an alien because I actually look foreign and just a little too white to be from my own country  . ----> well , I'm an Arab half European , what do you expect !!! and no , I don't live in America .
this may not always come as a miss fortune , attention doesn't bother me much , other that the fact that I suffer from anxiety and social phobia , so that just adds a little more tension .
being verbally and physically abused also resulted my weakness , shyness and fear of talking to strangers .
stuck in my bad luck and hence , I begin to fall apart , just shoot me already !! (not literally )

these are just a few things that makes my life a living hell . I know that there are far worse things going on in this world , other than my own self related issues and complaints  , and thinking about that occasionally helps relief my ongoing distress .

Allah Kareem .

My unfilled blank and back to my nightmare of a college life .

So I graduated from high school with pretty good grades , I was very satisfied with the amount of effort I put in to get those grades
my father's first reaction : " your grades are not so good , you should have done better " .
how so very encouraging and emotionally uplifting father ! I f-ing graduated from high school with v.good grades .

he drew his own picture of how my life should be , regardless of what I thought .
a father who never cared one bit about my life , now comes to make future decisions for me !!

he wanted me to either be a doctor or an engineer , and he knew full well that those two choices for me were out of the question . unlike him , money was never and will never be my interest in life , I know haven't found myself yet , as I dreamed of becoming many of different things like a teacher (when I was younger) , an artist , a marine biologist  a journalist and a graphic designer . my goal was  to pour my heart and soul to a career I liked as a hobby ,  money has never mattered to me as much of me liking what I do , serving humanity with a pleasure is an enlightening way to live and be , instead of serving humanity for just financial goals and human greed .

I felt like a prisoner of my own wishes , I couldn't be any of what I wanted to be , because  all the colleges I had to attend in order for me to be in that particular section were either unavailable as in there weren't even enough doctors that worked there , also the colleges were known to be pretty lame , I've been acussed by friends and family members of being "insane" for thinking about choosing a career I liked for what it was , and not for what it paid .

this was one of the most ugliest times in my life , a time where I felt nothing but suicidal . for all was against me , and I was alone . nothing mattered to me anymore , I ended up in a state where I felt numb and just didn't care anymore about anything , not even my life ... what ever happened happened there was no stoping it .

and unfortunately I ended up in the college of business administration , a place I never  imagined my self in and fully hated , I feel like it's a curse
as I am not one bit interested in any of the college's fields and sections .
it's my seconde year at college and so far ... I'm not liking it ,  I feel like this is torture ... me attending a college I don't like which will be based on a false future of which I haven't planned
it is all one big mistake and it aches me to my soul .

what am I to do ?? where do I go from here ?? I feel lost in a world where I don't belong , I cried and cried and still cry , with this heavy burden in my chest questioning  myself on and on , but life never gives a straight answer . and I still  wait whilst being lost ... just another blank to be filled .

" The whole secret of a seccessful life is to find out what is one's destiny to do and then do it " Henry Ford

" Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life  " Confucius