" the Arrivals " people !

I think I may have made the world's greatest Internet discovery .....
I'm not exaggerating ... well ... maybe just a bit , since I'm not the only one who discovered this ,
I'm sure many of you have seen this already , and some of you have not  ,
but let me tell you this , I've lived 19 years in this world so far , and never have I opened my eyes so wide before , I've never learned so much in my in tire life
like I did when watching the series of the "Arrivals" , I've been so addicted and attached to it from the moment I saw part 1 ..... and I spent the next 6 or 7  days making my way up to the last part
which was 51 !! ..... whether you agree with it or not , you WILL open your eyes , and see the world from a different angle ,
I feel so happy that I watched it , nobody had recommended it to me , I found it by myself with a little search here and there ... and now I recommend it to you world "The arrivals" watch it on YouTube

don't miss it !!

I picked a random part for you guys to see ..

why am I making a big deal out of this ?

and here I am , officially 19 , am I supposed to feel more grown up ??? because I don't  ,

I'll always be a child at heart , and that is what I know for certain .

sad but .., to me ... this is how being 18 felt like

I think I've summed up my feelings of how I feel/felt as an 18 year old .

Innocence is dead ....
ugly thoughts raping me in bed , I fall as an easy victim for the predator I'm disgusted with my head ....
my youth flashing right before me , but I'm a cripple instead ....
I kick the thought out of my head , I scream , I cry , I beg .... 
but silence is the only feedback I get ....
the years are on the passing , while I'm still frozen in time  , it is big a crime ....
my potentials are waiting eternally to be fled , the thoughts of madness are growing fatter as they are being  fully fed  ....
welcome to my disgusting life stranger guest , this is the one life I was forced to digest ....
a slow way to die , a perfect poison for a healthy brain
this is my life , this is my pain .


at the moment , reading this makes me feel sick to my stomach .
but tomorrow hopefully this will just be a wound from the past , an awefully sad memory .

Within 5 days .... I'm turning 19 ! OMG

Hello world !
I know it has been a while since I last blogged , not like any of you would care much .... or be interested but
this is my diary anyway .... so , on the 22nd of July which is in 5 days from now I'm going to turn 19 ...!!!!
I've never felt so scared of growing up before , but 19 just "has" to be the real deal . my life .... the last chapter of me being a "teen" since it's nine"teen" , or as a young adult ..
I don't know ... but I think I have  what they call "Gerontophobia" ... or simply a phobia of growing up ...
but the real reason I'm suffering of that is .... I have achieved nothing in the past eighteen years of my existence and it is painful because I haven't been given the opportunity I deserve , the way I see it , I have great potentials to at least live life and just "be" me ....but problems just had to come and take over my life , especially when a person is living in an unstable house hold/family who are unfortunately unsupportive .

 and I will be honest I'm not looking forward to being 19 ! , by twenty though I think I might kill myself for fear of growing up ... when these numbers  get bigger , fear grows stronger .....
so I'm spilling out my birthday wish/es this year , I know a person should keep these things to themselves in order for them to be fulfilled ... but that just might be superstition , because none of my wishes ever came true , in fact maybe announcing them is the real way to fulfill your wishes and for them to happen . and like I said , I'm sure most of the world is not reading this , but here goes : for this year I wish I :

" I wish I could find the lost identity which I've been on the search for  my entire life , I wish I could really prove myself to the world , I wish to love myself more and be happy with who I am , I wish to find a person I could really rely on and trust , a true friend I would walk with in this road of life "

I know I've exceeded the limit of "wishing" .. but whatever ! had to get it all out of my chest .

I know this might be retarded but " Happy Birthday Josephine " .... the 18 year old you will always be inside of you ... and she will always miss you . there ... now I feel more comfortable knowing that .

I feel ya kitty xoxo