* Sigh * just too much

I'm not loved,
I care and love but with no return
I feel this pressure to cope with society and people
for  they hurt, beauty hurts, standards hurt,
failure hurts, disappointments cut
heart turns to mush, no reason to live for
dying inside, struggling with self
hating the world, hating people
nothing makes sense,
nothing matters
we are all dying everyday
we are loosing
failing
paining
grieving
frozen
envied
hated
unloved
un-needed
struggling with loving ourselves
attention seeking
clueless of this life
wandering about
going
moving
constantly being punched
bruised
scarred and scared
sleepless
starving
full
bloated
wasted
high on life
watching
observing
noting
learning
wondering
contemplating
asking
seeing
analyzing
waiting
noticing
shocked
embarrassed
anxious
alone
delicate
vulnerable
wounded
pessimistic
optimistic
silent
misunderstood
misinterpreted
secretive
deep
openly closed
lost.

Bye Bye 2011

Hello fictionary fruits.
I haven't been updating my diary for quite a while now, even though a lot of twisting events have occurred during the time ,  I just didn't really feel like posting  ... or maybe just didn't have time . but yeah, I am still alive and breathing if it matters .
saddened by my life's events, I still struggle with my own mind ... my shyness, social anxiety, the things that won't f-ing change about my life ...... ex: it's new year's eve again, and exactly like the past 10 years or so, we "celebrate" at home watching the world around us celebrating .... today I brought all the dessert and my sister brought pizza . I'm tearing up right now .... because frankly I feel NOTHING IS CHANGING .... I'm growing older, my youth is withering I'm almost 20!!  ..... and my life still is the SAME.
only bad events keep happening for a change.
I wanted us to celebrate outdoors .... but it's like I'm asking for a miracle to happen  !!!! I feel frustrated in this house .... I feel .... bad .. bad .... bad .....
anyway, 2011 was a rocky ride I would say, not just for me, but for the entire world , from Japan's disastrous earth quake, Bin Laden's death, to the revolutions and so on ...
despite me looking forward for the upcoming year my hope is very weak for 2012 , for 2011's start was not the best. ... now lets see, what have I learned/gained from 2011 ?
almost NOTHING IMPORTANT . only bad events and same old everything else.
No driver's license, bad college, no real friend, social anxiety, self hatred, no sleep, a LOT of coffee, wasting time online, depression and a lot of studying =(
I REALLY look forward to changing all those things because I'm starting to get really tired, this is my new year's resolution . but lets hope we make it to 2012 first jk jk .....
may Allah protect us from harm this year, may we all live happily in peace with love and harmony.
Bless you all, xoxox

Dear God , life , diary , fruits ....
I think I've come to a conclusion regarding if whether or not LIFE Sucks .
NO , life does NOT SUCK . it is the PEOPLE around us that suck .
remember to keep that in mind , especially before trying to blame life for everything .

My Paper Time Machine !

I was just about to study for my math exam , so I was searching for some of my older papers to review .

I found an unrelated  paper I wrote two years ago  , which I seemed to have thrown in there by accident .

I love keeping track of memories , so that they'd be alive again just by reading them .... but after reading it NOW , I found it little weird in an inscrutable way ... but I encourage everyone to start their own " paper time machines " at least just once , and a huge grin will be guaranteed , but remember to leave the space of years through before going back and reading what you've written .gotta go study now 

here is my scan of the paper , with a little edit (forgive my English mistakes) :

My Nostalgic Remains

Dear God .....dear diary , after spending over 3 hours going through my old childhood photos , I've come to conclude my realisation of how much I think my life doesn't make sense anymore ... not that my childhood/toddler years made much sense either , but I remember back at that time , I was the happiest I've ever been , for to a child , happiness can be just a toy away , life was indeed bright and sunny , most of the times I'de be running around in our little garden , singing , dancing , chasing after cats , exploring bugs and kissing them ! my older siblings would play evil pranks on me all the time , like making me eat a hot chili pepper claiming that it wasn't spicy , burying a beetle and making me dig for the surprise , my mother being full of life ... etc . where'd all that disappear ???
the happiness , I mean .
the moment I go back in time through those memories I get extremely nostalgic and overwhelmed for they trigger the most vulnerable part of my sentimentality ,
I deeply studied the photos I kept , and there was this one which really touched me with that look on my innocent happy face for I had just received a doll gift that made me feel on top of the world , that brought deep tears to my eyes ,
how did I go from that , to where I am today !? and how did my once upon a time happy family fall apart ?
seeing how innocent and gullible I was , I felt nothing but extremely SORRY for that poor baby , who had to be tortured , be stepped on and mistreated .
drowning in my tears , I felt sorry , sorry and even more sorry .

I'm sorry that the innocent , unwritten white pages of my life had to turn into a dark , nasty doodle
I feel sorry for myself , for being weak , hopeless , self destructive and suicidal , I never intended to harm myself in the first place
and I wish I never had to smoke those cigarettes , which I believe have polluted my God given clean lungs
I feel sorry for the times I looked in the mirror and felt shame , disgust about myself , calling myself the worst names ever . I feel sorry for not appreciating the healthy face and body that God has given me , I feel sorry that I feel like a waste of a human being , I feel sorry for not meeting a true human to call a friend yet ... and I feel sorry for those who don't give me a chance to be the best friend ever
and what I feel sorry most for is .... continuing to feel this way .


with a blink of an eye we are in a different place in this world yet in the same tough situations , the wind appears to have blown us away too far , but far to where there is nowhere else to be and nothing else to do ...
climbing the stairs of age , and I have reached 19 years in this world so far , much of what I tasted was poison , that didn't kill me yet , but is slowly weakening me
now and the current moment , life to me keeps bleeding , as if it's nothing but a painful discharge .
and with each passing day the will of my being is eroded by the same waves which took most of what hope I had left , away .
though time is still on the passing , my life continues to freeze , I am crippled by the unfortunate events that keep reappearing .
for all the good has changed to be bad , and all the bad remains to accumulate to form a mountain of doom ,
God is my only strength , but I feel like I'm out of reasons to live ....

An update on my Emotional Status

suffering of the following symptoms :   deep hurt , frustration , anguish , distress , nausea , confusion, numbness , extreme melancholy , misery , desperation and depression .
believe me , I don't like the fact that all I'm going through sounds exaggerated and because I am by nature a perfectionist who makes a fuss about almost everything , that just ranks me to a worse category ,
with each day I continue struggling from my parents mistakes , their divorce and ongoing troubles that make my situation harder and harder to deal with .
my bad college choice , one which I took as a "stand by" to go to another one and seem to be stuck in , I have a better idea , the idea of studying what I WANT abroad . ----> yeah like that'll happen .
I go to college every day with this heavy burden on my chest  , having to deal with unwelcoming , over demanding college doctors .God !! Did I mention how much I HATE that college ??
imprisoned in my house for years and years , barely going out except for school or college . ----> because my father decided that we simply CAN'T  .
I'm 19 , and don't have my driver's license yet . ----> father too lazy to do that .
developed under those circumstances to be a lonely " moon child" , loneliness of the night is my best friend .
people ALWAYS look at me like I'm a celebrity or some kind of an alien because I actually look foreign and just a little too white to be from my own country  . ----> well , I'm an Arab half European , what do you expect !!! and no , I don't live in America .
this may not always come as a miss fortune , attention doesn't bother me much , other that the fact that I suffer from anxiety and social phobia , so that just adds a little more tension .
being verbally and physically abused also resulted my weakness , shyness and fear of talking to strangers .
stuck in my bad luck and hence , I begin to fall apart , just shoot me already !! (not literally )

these are just a few things that makes my life a living hell . I know that there are far worse things going on in this world , other than my own self related issues and complaints  , and thinking about that occasionally helps relief my ongoing distress .

Allah Kareem .

My unfilled blank and back to my nightmare of a college life .

So I graduated from high school with pretty good grades , I was very satisfied with the amount of effort I put in to get those grades
my father's first reaction : " your grades are not so good , you should have done better " .
how so very encouraging and emotionally uplifting father ! I f-ing graduated from high school with v.good grades .

he drew his own picture of how my life should be , regardless of what I thought .
a father who never cared one bit about my life , now comes to make future decisions for me !!

he wanted me to either be a doctor or an engineer , and he knew full well that those two choices for me were out of the question . unlike him , money was never and will never be my interest in life , I know haven't found myself yet , as I dreamed of becoming many of different things like a teacher (when I was younger) , an artist , a marine biologist  a journalist and a graphic designer . my goal was  to pour my heart and soul to a career I liked as a hobby ,  money has never mattered to me as much of me liking what I do , serving humanity with a pleasure is an enlightening way to live and be , instead of serving humanity for just financial goals and human greed .

I felt like a prisoner of my own wishes , I couldn't be any of what I wanted to be , because  all the colleges I had to attend in order for me to be in that particular section were either unavailable as in there weren't even enough doctors that worked there , also the colleges were known to be pretty lame , I've been acussed by friends and family members of being "insane" for thinking about choosing a career I liked for what it was , and not for what it paid .

this was one of the most ugliest times in my life , a time where I felt nothing but suicidal . for all was against me , and I was alone . nothing mattered to me anymore , I ended up in a state where I felt numb and just didn't care anymore about anything , not even my life ... what ever happened happened there was no stoping it .

and unfortunately I ended up in the college of business administration , a place I never  imagined my self in and fully hated , I feel like it's a curse
as I am not one bit interested in any of the college's fields and sections .
it's my seconde year at college and so far ... I'm not liking it ,  I feel like this is torture ... me attending a college I don't like which will be based on a false future of which I haven't planned
it is all one big mistake and it aches me to my soul .

what am I to do ?? where do I go from here ?? I feel lost in a world where I don't belong , I cried and cried and still cry , with this heavy burden in my chest questioning  myself on and on , but life never gives a straight answer . and I still  wait whilst being lost ... just another blank to be filled .

" The whole secret of a seccessful life is to find out what is one's destiny to do and then do it " Henry Ford

" Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life  " Confucius